Coping with Miscarriage

If you were to read this in a letter, hear it over the telephone or as you spoke to someone face to face, you would think that the person were referring to a child of a few days, months or years old. In fact, the writer - Jane - is referring to the loss of their unborn child (prematurely born child). The death of the child was through a miscarriage.

His mother had carried him for over four months as he was growing within her but this was all to change. Suddenly, the pregnancy with all the hopes and expectations for the future attached thereto was thrown into turmoil. Within a day she went from being an expectant mother to being empty. This was both literally as the consequence of the miscarriage and emotionally having been drained by the events of the day and the shock of the outcome. Physically her body was having to adjust hormonally. For four months it had been adapting to the child within, preparing for the growth of the child for the duration of the pregnancy but now it had to instantaneously re-adjust to this sudden premature change. Her hopes and dreams were dashed within a matter of minutes. She was left coming to terms with her loss. She was bereft and grieving.

People around her were sad for her, but "it was only a miscarriage, wasn't it?" "It wasn't like losing a 'real' baby." Try telling these statements to Jane in her current state. To her, her baby was gone. She had known him for four months. He had lived, fed and grown within her. She knew what he felt like. She and Peter her husband had seen the scans showing this 'perfect child' moving within her. The baby was not an it or just a foetus. It was her baby, a him. They had even given him a name - John.

In Britain we start our counting of age with the birth of the child some other cultures start earlier. This formally ignores the fact that before birth the child has been growing for approximately nine months in the mother's womb. Life commenced at conception and the developing child was a reality to his mother both physically and emotionally from that time on. And not just to its mother. His father - Peter - was watching the development of the longed for child - the living evidence of the sharing of their bodies in love. He watched the changes in his wife's body as the baby grew and experienced the effects of this third little person in their lives.

In his parents minds John had been more than just a thought but a real individual. But an individual who was no longer there, dead, gone and yet officially had never been. He had no birth certificate, no death certificate. So how do you say goodbye to someone who officially never was?

This was a time of change for Jane and Peter. A challenge to their friends and family, the local Church and anyone else in their social networks including their work settings.

Miscarriage can be particularly difficult for a childless couple who finally think they have been blessed with the longed for child but then experience a late miscarriage.

If there are already children within the family they must not be forgotten. They will be affected, left puzzled about what has happened.

Where is the promised baby?
Why has mummy's bump gone?
Why is mummy crying?
Why are mummy and daddy behaving strangely?

Children will need careful handling. They need to be included and not excluded. To be talked with in a language and form they can understand. To be shown that they are still special, cared for and loved.

This was a time when Jane and Peter needed each other more than ever.

A time to love, care and support each other.
A time to recognise each other's needs.
A time to talk and share.
A time just to be there.
A time to mourn, grieve and cry.
A time to question 'why?'
A time to recognise John had gone.
A time to hand over to God the care of their son.

Jane and Peter needed the support of their family and friends.

To be there for them.
To share with them in their grief.
To help practically.
To allow time in whatever way it was needed.
To give space when necessary.
To show love and care.
To pray!

Jane and Peter needed to feel supported by the family of God - the Church. They needed the Church at this time to show God's love in a real and practical way.

To care as Jesus cared.
To love as Jesus loved.
To pray as Jesus prayed.

God led Jane and Peter through their troubled times so that Jane could write:

God took wonderful care of us through it all and we know that he is watching over us. I know that John is fine and with Jesus.